You know how it is when you have a hard time believing the good you are told, because the bad is easier to believe? For a brief moment in time I thought I had found someone who understood me. Saw the bad and the good and loved me for who I was.
He left. He left for her, because she was a selfish child with no thought to our marriage. He left because his heart was broken. He left because I lost our baby, our dream. He left because he couldn’t manage through our shared sadness.
These are all excuses I made for the man I loved. The man I loved more than I’d ever loved anyone. The man I loved more than myself. They are the things I’d beat myself up with any time I had a self pitying moment and wanted to be angry at him for tearing my world apart.
After he walked out and could no longer make ends meet I bought him tires for his new car. They needed it and to drive with bad tires was unsafe. He insisted on paying me back, so I said whenever he had the money he could give it back. I paid off his medical bills before departing for Minnesota. I bought him his prescription medicine when he got the flu. I paid for a storage unit to house his belongings for almost a year after he walked away. I let him keep 90% of our last tax return filed together. For almost a year I gave him $500 a month to help keep him going. When a dental bill was sent into collections I paid the $700 to get rid of it because it would help him and the collection was also tied to me.
I tried to remain a friend and be there if he needed me. I stayed in the background to not upset his relationship with her. When he first left I asked his family to please treat them with kindness because he would need them as we went through this divorce and still suffering the loss of our baby. I never said anything about him or her that was mean or cold or thoughtless. Just that all I wanted was for him to be happy. So long as he was happy I was good.
When his family would talk about the fact that she was toxic to him, I’d just shrug and say, so long as he’s happy. When they would tell me he was crazy to have left and he just needed to come to his senses, I’d say, he has to decide those things for himself.
It isn’t to say that amongst my friends and family I didn’t have moments of bitterness and ugly. Because I did. But tell me who wouldn’t.
When I found myself pregnant I can’t express my excitement and joy. Truly can’t put into words how incredible it was. But part of me literally ached because the baby I was carrying wasn’t also his. Because we lost ours and here I was having another and he wasn’t.
I wanted to tell him before I announced it to the world. I thought to myself that if he had something so huge happening and I heard it through the grapevine that it would hurt worse than hearing it from him directly.
So I told him. I was thoughtful and gentle. He told me he was happy for me and he knew what a great mama I would be. Next thing out of him was, who’s the father. I thought to myself that he has a lot of balls to ask the question, but in an attempt to be kind but not overly open I told him the father was someone I was casually dating but not a couple with.
So for almost three years now I have tried hard to be the goodness. To never get to the point of ugly. Then on what would have been our sixth wedding anniversary he reached out for the first time in months. He said he couldn’t remove himself from the account we shared that I was suppose to get in our divorce. Can I go and open a new account? I told him I would after I got paid so my checks wouldn’t be affected. And I did the Friday after I was paid.
I’ll be honest that I was more than a little butt hurt that he decided to ask this of me on such a tender day for me. But I cried it out and then let it go.
Xander and I took a trip on my day off and went to the bank to open a new account. They informed me that he must have misunderstood and could have removed himself at any point in time. Still I have him the benefit of the doubt. Opened a new account and proceeded to change all of the bills that automatically pulled from that account. I even left enough money in the account to clear a bill that hasn’t made it through yet so it could balance before he closed it out.
When I messaged him to fill him in on everything he didn’t respond to me. His usual MO. I went about my life working to get everything lined up. There was an issue with one bill and they couldn’t make the change in time. They told me that because the account would be closed it would try to pull and be sent back rejected, I could then call and make the change. I offered to pay over the phone and that was not an option they could do. I honestly didn’t worry about it because I believed the account was closed out.
I then received a message from Remy saying that the account was overdrawn. I apologized and told him what happened. I then gave him three options to give him the money. Three options that would be easy for both of us. Three options that would cause the least amount of upheaval for me and the balance I try to find as a working single mother. He countered with wanting me to yet again do something extra because it was his way. This made me mad enough that I didn’t respond.
The more I thought about it the more it upset me that he just continues to want me to do the work. Always. I had given so much and done so much since he left that he could eat that money. And that’s when things took a turn. He became ugly to me.
I finally gave in and said I’d give him the money in spite of everything. He was calling me a thief and threatening me. My best friend talked me into being a little petty and well he deserved it.
Then he made a post on Facebook blasting me and being unkind to not just myself, but my son! I couldn’t believe it when someone showed me. Because he naturally did this without giving me access to see it or respond to his venom. At the end of the post he wrote, And people wonder why I wanted a divorce.
I’ll be honest and say that really hurt. Not only did I try to be the best wife to him. Making sure his needs were always met and exceeded. But I even let him leave for her with kindness because I wanted him to just be happy. I’m dealing with trying to not feel terrible about myself and wonder whether or not I’m really poison.
This man who made me believe I was more than worthy of love and devotion stripped everything from me. And I’m left to wonder if he ever meant any of it or if he was a far better manipulator and liar than I could have ever imagined…
Traveling Infertility Together 