Safe in the Dark

Boy oh boy it’s been a long time since I sat and wrote anything. I get the urge all of the time but like the self sabotaging doofus that I am I find reasons why I can’t.

Xander is a handful and requires my attention. True, but I can write and put the writing down when he wants to play with me and pick it back up when he’s done with me.

Work is crazy and exhausts me. Also true, but if I start something and fall asleep it will save as a draft. Maybe it will take forever to write a piece, but I’d be writing.

I have nothing worth saying… Possibly true, but this has always been my space to write whether the words are read or not.

I’m having a hard time right now😐 Truly hard and I’m not fully embracing these growing pains… Instead I feel safe in the dark. There’s a consistency and comfort there. The dark doesn’t make me feel lonely and worthless. I don’t question my place or my choices in the dark. I don’t have to raise my voice to get a response.

I don’t know how people do it. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through it. My son is two, he’s head strong and smart, he’s sweet and loving. But he is also a little asshole. He defies me at every turn and thinks it’s funny. He makes me raise my voice after asking him soft and sweet five times. I should have more patience with him, I truly should, but these things grate on me.

I don’t feel good in my new position at work. If I am honest and look back at my career I never feel good in a new position. But this one is high profile! Not only do I have a co manager and my store manager but I have a market manager just over my area to answer to and a regional.

I want to do well not just for myself and my career, but for my store manager who, I believe, has faith in me. Most especially though I want to do well for Xander. I want to be in a better and better position to take care of him. Right now it is a true struggle. I worry about it at all times…

I’m tired right now and writing can sometimes take it out of me. I’ll end this post now and make a shaky promise to myself to do better.