A Joyful Heart

It is so great when I feel the need to write and it’s about happy things! Today my heart is so full of joy I can’t stand it!!!

It’s my best friends birthday and my dearest friend, my soul sister, my heart had her baby today! I can’t tell you how happy and full my heart feels!

Last night was a rough one at work. It was a long week, with just as long of hours to be worked each day. But all of last night I was stalking Facebook and occasionally texted SharaLin for updates about her labor progress. 

I was stuck at work late to zone the entire automotive department. Just in case the big wig came to our store to tour. Ugh, it’s my Friday of this long week and I just wanted to go home!

Then my phone dinged and when I looked to see who messaged me it was SharaLin and she sent a picture! My first chance to see my brand new niece and she was so beautiful!!!! This precious new life we all were waiting on pins and needles to see! 

I also got the notice that my vacation was okayed and I’d be able to go home for New Years! That means I only have to wait one month to go home and get my baby cuddles!!!

Babies are my kryptonite and even more so when they are mine! Because I’ve been blessed to be in SharaLin and Eric’s lives, I get to have another baby in mine! I am over the moon with excitement! 

I get to have so many great people in my life and they keep bringing even more amazing people over to me! I am beyond blessed and I can’t say enough how much that means to me! I can’t say enough how much my cup runneth over! I can’t say enough how thankful I am for all of the goodness in my life. 

I can get caught up in the bad and the sadness. But when I step back for a moment and look at things with fresh eyes, I know with the utmost certainty that the good far outweighs the bad! 

I have a joyful heart and I am thankful for that! I am surrounded by love and that’s more than a lot of people have!!! I am truly blessed and look forward to watching my newest love and playmate grow❤️

Sharing Our Pain

There is an associate at my new home store that I pretty much immediately connected with. He’s a sweet soul and always full of smiles and friendliness. This should have clued me in sooner to the broken soul underneath it all. 

After switching to the overnight shift I see him more in passing than anything. It’s always the same, big smiles on both sides and well wishes for one another. 

With the craziness of thanksgiving and the sales happening I failed to realize I hadn’t seen him all week. For this I feel a bit of shame. 

I saw him for the first time in a while last night. First when I was touring and he had just gotten off work and was shopping around with a fellow cashier. Our usual past time of hellos and smiles were exchanged. 

I took a quick break outside because my night was already stressful. When I came walking back inside he was sitting on the bench just in front of our self checks. I decided to take a moment to sit down and say more than hello. I’m so glad that I did. What followed was profound and I’m positive was meant to happen. We were meant to share this exchange. 

First you have to know that I don’t tend to stop. I don’t tend to let up, especially if I’m running the store solo. I am constantly go, go, go. But it meant something to me in that moment to sit down with him. 

I told him I’d missed seeing his face. He turned to me and said it was his first day back at work after getting out of the hospital. Oh no, I said, is everything okay? 

He’s recently been through a terrible breakup with his boyfriend of three years. It wasn’t a good relationship and he needed to be away from this man, something I can relate to with my first husband.

He told me he had tried to take his own life on the Saturday before thanksgiving. Someone found him before it was too late and got him to the hospital. Thank God, because he is such a pure and loving soul! 

I don’t usually share details about my personal life with the people who work for me. In this moment I knew I needed to share some of my pain with this young man. 

I pushed my shoulder into his and told him how glad I was that he wasn’t successful. We need people like you in this world, I told him. There are far too many not kind individuals running around, we can’t afford to lose a good one from this world. 

I told him the story of an extremely sad woman who just a year ago stood in her bathroom, knife in hand and ready to cut open her veins. A woman who had suffered the loss of a much loved and anticipated baby. A woman who a few months later lost the absolute love of her life. 

She couldn’t find sleep and when she did it was restless and not long enough. Food no longer had any taste. There was no flavor to entice her into eating. Breathing proved painful. Hard to take even small breaths. 

She was sure she couldn’t stand to live another moment. Not in a world without her sweet baby or the husband who had been her rock. He had done something that day that was thoughtless and it sent her into a tailspin. 

So there she stood in the bathroom. Knife to her wrist. She knew the right way to cut so the blood would flow quickly and it would be over fast. She’d be done. She wouldn’t have to spend another moment in the pain and agony she’d come to know as her life. 

It was in that moment that she saw the faces of her beloved nieces and nephews who would forever be lost in their pain of having lost their aunt. She thought of her brothers and sisters who would forever feel some form of guilt because they weren’t there. Even though it wasn’t their fault that she was so lost in her pain. She thought of her friends, old and new, that loved her and messaged her daily. Friends that invited her to spend time with them so she wouldn’t be alone. Friends that would let her cry in their arms as she weeped so hard she couldn’t even stand. Friends who would make her lunch to be sure she ate at least once a day. 

It was in that split second of thought that she took the blade away from her wrist and wailed in pain. Even with as hard as it was to stand, to breathe, to eat. She owed it to all those who loved her to keep trying to stand up, to keep trying to breathe when the breaths hurt her. To try and muster the strength to eat and find some sleep. 

I told him how the worst thing to be told in those moments of pain is that it will get better. I don’t want to hear that! I don’t want to believe that! I most certainly couldn’t see that! I told him, but look at me a year later!!! I’m not fully healed. Some days it’s still hard to stand on my own two feet without my rock next to me. But I’m standing and I’ve become my own rock! Not every day is it easy to breathe, because it’s not and some days I still have to fight back the tears of loneliness. But I’m breathing every day and laughing! 

I asked him if he has a therapist or someone to talk to. He said no and going to talk to someone is the hardest thing. Believe how much I know that’s true! But after that dark moment I knew I needed someone!! I’m beyond grateful that I reached out and he took me in. It helped me to see where I was. In some ways it helped me to realize why I am the way I am. 

Find someone. Talk to someone. If not a therapist, then talk to me. I’m here for anything you need. But this world needs you!! This store, these people, hell I need you! I need to see that smiling face when I come to work and I’m feeling down and alone. 

We talked about a lot of things for about twenty minutes. Mostly in hush tones for privacy and many times as we shared our wounds with each other I had to hold back my tears. Not just because talking about them to someone makes the pain a bit fresh, but because this sweet soul took things to a point of no return. I’m thankful to God because he did get a return. He has so much potential for this world. 

When we were done talking and he was ready to go home he told me something that I’ll forever cherish. He told me he was so glad he got to meet me. That he looks forward to seeing me. To know that in a few short months I’ve been able to have that kind of affect on someone. For better or worse I’m so glad I made this move to Minnesota. It has allowed this man to touch my life and for me to touch his life. In sharing our pain we found a common thread that will hold for all of our days. 

I hope if he ever feels that alone again. If he ever feels like he’d be better off gone from this world. If he ever hears the whispers that I do, that there’s no one out there who’d miss us. That he’ll remember our talk. He’ll remember the woman who thought she was forever broken. Phoenixes do in fact rise from the ashes, but you have to stand in the fire and pain first. 

This young man. This beautiful and gentle soul. He’s the reason I was brought to Minnesota. We were meant to cross paths in these moments of our lives. 

When things seem at their absolute worst, hold on, there’s always another chapter waiting to be written…

Thanksgiving

The holidays have officially started with thanksgiving and the kick off of Black Friday! It is my fifteenth year with Walmart and that means the fifteenth year of not having a typical thanksgiving. That doesn’t bother me so much because I chose this profession and it means I get to be there amongst the craziness to help others. 

Here’s what is hard for me. I don’t get to have any moments with my family or friends. I don’t get a thanksgiving the next day. I don’t get a pit stop before work and the craziness. This shouldn’t bother me either because again I chose to move away. 

In fairness I did think I’d have two of my favorite people to share the holidays with. Having no idea that things would change so quickly after arriving in my new home. 

But again that’s not fair to those I love. To have the opportunity they did to better their lives. Buy their first home, become store managers! We need good ones out there. 

I am truly thankful on this thanksgiving that I have my job, that I’m able to take care of myself, that I’m able to stand on my own two feet! That I am able to find strength within myself. Who knew it was there? I most certainly didn’t. 

I always thought I pulled strength from my husband and my family and my friends. Never did I think it came from inside of me. This last year I have come to learn that the strength I possess has been inside of myself all along. I am thankful for that. 

I am thankful for my new home and the people I have come to know. They enrich my life in new and different ways. I wasn’t expecting to find people that I would truly care for here. I wasn’t expecting to find people I hope to hold on to in the coming years. But here I am, loving those who were strangers nine months ago. 

I am hopeful and thankful that in less than nine more months that I will be home again. I am scared that I won’t be able to find a store when I’m ready to go home. But I’ve found many times in my life when I’m scared and go for those things anyway that I find goodness at the end of it. 

To all of my family and friends back home I hope you are able to have an amazing day in spite of obstacles. I hope you think of me today and smile. I hope you know how my heart overflows with love for you! 

Being away has given me an appreciation for home and all of you more than I knew was possible!!! That means a lot because the love and appreciation that was already there was so great! 

Be good to one another! Sometimes we are all we have. You come to realize those things as we find ourselves alone. Hug each other tight today and every day! Hug each other for me while I’m away and can’t wrap myself around you! Make an inappropriate comment or two for me. As I told two of my closet friends, when you do and you hear an echoing laugh, that’s me being tickled all these miles away! 

Love and peace to all❤️💜❤️💜

Days Off

You know what the great thing about days off is? While I sleep a lot, because it doesn’t happen on my working nights, and I feel unproductive. I get the opportunity to do a few things I love.

I get to work on crafting projects. Mostly I just cross stitch and I feel like that’s not even something I can call crafting. Or should call crafting, lol. But I have recently made a few things for Ainsley. While they are terrible and amateur they were fun to do and I hope as she gets older she’ll appreciate the love behind them. 

I have a cross stitch that I’ve put down and I really need to finish. It was suppose to be a birthday present for a dear friend over a year ago. When things went south it sort of became a side note. I need to make it important again. I’d love to be able to give it to him for his next birthday. 

I actually feel like I have a bit of time on my days off to write. That’s the biggest thing. I’ve kind of drifted from my fiction writing and have been writing poems mostly. And this blog. But at least I’m writing. I’m keeping the juices flowing when I feel the need. I should get some work done on my other projects though. 

I’m able to clean the apartment and take out the trash. To be honest this is something I should do every day, but I’m always so tired after work. But then I can’t find sleep. Maybe cleaning and garbage taking out would solve that problem. 

I am able to just veg out and binge on much loved shows. It’s my time and I can do what I want with it, right? Even if it makes me feel like I’ve wasted it. 

I took myself out on a date last night. Which doesn’t seem like the biggest thing, but it’s so hard for me to do things in public alone. Things that are usually done with friends or lovers. Then there’s me. All alone, sad and pathetic.

There was a difference last night. I was alone, but I didn’t feel sad. Maybe a twinge here or there. When watching the movie and wanting to turn to the person I was with the make a comment, except I was alone. 

I felt silly walking in and asking for just one ticket. I’d never been to this theater before and it’s different than I’m used to. So I easily felt silly. But you know what, I just sort of chuckled at myself and rolled with it. 

I went to a restaurant afterwards that I’d never heard of but my friend told me about. Got there about thirty minutes before closing. Ordered myself a beer and some steak fajitas. Is it going to be just you? I was asked and I felt a slight blush to my cheeks. Was I pathetic? Lol Yes, just me. Thank you.

I thoroughly enjoyed my beer and the fajitas weren’t too bad at all. Listened to the other ladies chatter off about ridiculous things while I scrolled through Facebook. Looking to feel connected to home. 

I’ve recently discovered that two “friends” are no longer friends on there. Taken off their list. Blocked. And I’ve got to admit it stings slightly. When you spend so much time worrying and caring for people. When you are in the midst of turmoil and you put it aside to care for these people. Then for petty and ridiculous reasons you are cut out. It hurts. Maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe I should say good riddance. But that’s not the way my heart works. Never has. 

My back has been killing me for almost a week and I was preparing myself for it going out. I’m alone and would have the aid of no one, so it’s a scary thought. Turns out as soon as I started my cycle the pain eased up. Thanks Mother Nature😂

After I got home from my date I sat on the couch while Xavier watched some really weird tv show. Next thing I know it’s 4:30 am and I’m waking up on the couch. Always tired…

Put on my coat and headed outside to sit in the brisk November morning. It’s really my favorite ritual. To sit outside and look at the stars or watch the sun come up. 

I feel like I’m in a really good place right now and I’m so thankful for it. The holidays are coming, work is getting crazy and I’m alone. Yet, here I sit happy and pretty confident. Not every thing is perfect and there’s so much I’d like to be able to do. But I’m here, I’m succeeding and I know I’ll be home soon! 

I feel so pretty so often now. I’m not sure why, but I’ll happily take the feeling! It’s not a feeling I’ve ever had except for a fleeting moment here or there. To have at least one moment, if not more, every day when I look in the mirror and genuinely see beauty. That is a thing of awe for me.

Sitting Outside Again

Because I’m on the bottom floor and don’t have a patio I can sit on I go out and sit in my car when I just want out of the apartment. 

Recently as I was walking in I had a neighbor say hi. That doesn’t happen often and I’m okay with that, lol. But I said hello back. Then he asked if he could ask me a question. Okay. So he asks if I even live here or do they need to call someone because his sister sees me out in the car a lot. 

Ha! Yes I live here. I get some from work and I kind of decompress in the car before going inside. Not that I told him that or anything beyond yes. Not that I told him I’m having a hard time dealing with having a roommate. Or sometimes I just enjoy the quiet and the cold. 

I did think to myself that that was a ballsy thing to say to a person. I’m obviously not in my car twenty four hours a day for fucks sake. And my car has the damned permit on it😂 

I was able to come out to my car and chat with my friend, Carita, tonight. This morning to be more accurate. It was nice to video chat and see her face as we were talking. 

It’s nice to feel that connection even as I avoid contact with those here around me. It’s nice to be able to be a person that people feel they can come to with their problems for advice. 

I don’t know that I really have anything I want to say. Just kind of wanted to write. No real point to it. 

Work is getting crazy as the holidays approach. I’m exhausted and my back is teetering on going out. This scares me because I don’t have anyone to aid me here and the weather is quickly turning. 

I’ll be okay. I always am. Eventually. I want to be productive today. I need to do some serious cleaning and cooking. I want to go for a walk and do some writing on my projects. 

I need to go to the post office and send out some gifts. I’m always excited to send things back home to those I love! I sometimes wish I could be there to see them receive the gifts. The looks on their faces and maybe get a hug.

Being There

Ugh! I’m not sure how to say the things I want to say. That’s hard for me, but I kind of feel that’s at the heart of being a writer. 

My eyes are heavy because I am tired. My heart is heavy because our lives are going to change soon. Not just myself, but every one of us. The world has been altered tonight. 

I’ve recently come to the understanding that my life and my call to be a mother is true. It just won’t come in the form I always thought I was meant for. It will come in the form that whispered to me. 

When I get home I will find a house. A place I can make a home. I will begin the process of foster care and adoption. I believe in my heart I was meant to be a mama. I’ve come to the realization that it wasn’t meant to be to biological children. 

I was meant to be a mama to the lost and the forgotten. I am meant to open my home and my heart to those girls and boys who just need someone to love and support them for all of their lives. 

Perhaps that is why I am the baby whisperer. That’s why I can form a bond and an instant connection with those little souls I encounter. Because there are so many out there who will need a safe haven. 

Especially now! There’s been so much progress made in these recent years. I have my beliefs and what I feel is right and wrong. How someone chooses to live their life, whether I agree or disagree, so long as they are not hurting another living creature; is theirs to choose. 

Who are we to say they are less than any other human being? But I now have great fear in my heart for them. The immigrants, whether legal or illegal, who have come simply in a search for a better life for themselves and their families. Are they different than you or me? 

The women out there who are true feminist who simply want equality. No more and no less. To be able to go after their dreams and desires. To not have to be in fear of their safety. To not have to feel the need to be less than they are to be able to get by. To not have to worry that it’s okay to be mistreated and mishandled because they were born the fairer sex. 

The blue collar workers so to speak. That go out and work themselves to the bone to try and care for their families. The people who didn’t get a higher education, whether by choice or circumstances. Are they not as worthy of respect and care? 

Gay, transgender or otherwise not conventional people. Do they not deserve to be comfortable in their own skin? Do they not deserve to be able to be open? Do they not deserve to love and be loved in return? How is that hurting you or me? How is that something you need to fear and demoralize? We all have something we have to answer to. You don’t get to choose for them. 

I fear for the people I work with here in Minnesota. Ninety percent of my team is not from the United States. They are from all over the world! Africa, Bosnia, the Ukraine, Vietnam, Iraq, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan. They are muslims and they are good people. 

In every culture, in every country there are good people and there are bad people. I fear that they will all be lumped into the same category. That they will find those things they left. Those things they hoped to escape from will now visit them in their new home. 

I fear that people will no longer be afraid to hide their bigotry and hatred. That these people I’ve grown to care for and respect will have to again live in fear. 

I fear for my rainbow coalition of a family. That instead of embracing our beautiful family, we will now be seen as something less. That fear mongering will be brought to our door. That the love and peace my family knows won’t be there anymore. 

As much as this day has brought tears to my eyes it has made me resolved in giving the forgotten and unwanted a place of refuge. I will be a mama. I will give as many children as will have me a safe home. A place they can come to and know they are loved. That they are worthy of all the good things life has to offer. That while they may not be of my flesh and blood they are mine. Always and forever. 

This gives me something more to look forward to. Not just going home and being able to hold my family and my friends in my arms again. But to truly start again my journey to motherhood. To be a person I’ve always thought I might be. 

It gives me joy to have something positive to look forward to. I have nine months to research and figure out where to begin. I better get off of my ass so I can make that happen. Time is wasting and there are children out there just waiting to be loved. Children just waiting for someone to be there!!!

Because I Can

I’m writing for no reason at all except that I want to write and I’m out doing my laundry. I don’t have my notebooks or anything to do writing on anything else, lol.

I’m such a yo yo of emotions all of the time. I want to be better and feel better, but at the same time it brings me great saddness to be healing. It makes me want to cry that I don’t cry and wail for Remy every day. 

It makes me sad that I’m doing okay. It breaks my heart that I can talk to men and no longer feel guilty. It use to make me feel like I was cheating on him some how. 

That’s how messed up and crazy I’ve been. That I am! That I want to hurt and wail in pain. What the fuck is the matter with me?!

It’s not like I don’t have my moments. It’s not that I don’t have times and moments when it all comes rushing back to me and I’m in tears. I do… it happened at work two days ago. A song came on overhead and I just started bawling… I went and stood behind a stackbase feature so no one would see me and cried. 

It was a strange feeling because it’s been a while since it’s happened. But in those moments all my heart could do was call out for Remy. I wanted to call him. To text him and see how he was. To see if he’d grown to miss me. 

Sometimes I’m such a silly, stupid girl. But at least being silly and stupid I’m still strong enough to not text him. I don’t reach out to him in those moments that all I want is to hear his voice. To tell him something funny and hear that laugh. That laugh that used to light up my world. 

I was talking to my friend who was crying from the stress of being on vacation and worrying about work. This too makes me sad. And MAD, very mad! You shouldn’t have to feel the stress of work when on a vacation. It is so wrong. 

It makes me think about my position at work and why I do it. And it’s because I can take care of people. I can’t help myself. I’m a caretaker and a giver. It’s who I am in my soul. 

If I’m not taking care of people I feel like I’m wasting myself. I’m not doing what I was born to do. Maybe that’s part of my strong desire for children, for a family of my own. I don’t know… 

I do know that I am tired. I worked all night and I worked hard. I don’t know any other way. But I am drained and need these days off to recoup. Although it feels like I never do recoup. I just try to keep going and get everything done. 

When I don’t, because my body shuts down and demands sleep, I feel like I’ve wasted my time. 

It’s such a beautiful day out and I can feel the frozen tundra in the distance. Growing closer by the day. We are a week into November and it hasn’t come yet. I know it will be here soon in full force and I’ll experience my second and last winter in Minnesota. 

I don’t look forward to driving in it. Driving in the snow always causes stress. But I look forward to bundling up under the blankets. I look forward to playing in the snow, even if alone. I look forward to hot chocolate and coffee. I wish I had a patio that I could sit out on and watch the snow fall and feel the chill of the air. But I’m lucky enough to have a car I can sit in and enjoy the weather. 

Okay. I’m done writing for now.There’s lots to do and some form of sleep to be had eventually, lol. I am thankful for all who take a minute to read my ramblings. I’m thankful for this blog, as it has been a place to purge my soul. To share the things that I can’t always speak. 

Crying

I can be such a baby sometimes. I am finding myself crying for really no reason. Because I posted on Facebook about being thankful for myself…

It is so hard to do that. To say nice things about myself and mean them. I don’t know why that’s brought tears to my eyes. 

I want so much to be a better version of myself. Better than I was as a sensitive kid. Better than I was as an insecure teenager who accepted what I thought was love and bound myself to him. Better than the grown ass woman who had and lost the greatest love she’s known.

I’ve cried so many tears in my life. I feel things so deeply and sometimes I don’t know what to do with those feelings. 

I’m so influenced by the emotions of those around me. When they are sad and negative, I feel myself pulled that way. When they are happy and joyful and positive I feel like there’s nothing that will diverge for me. 

It’s here in the darkness and solitude that I have to deal with my own sincere emotions. It was here that I thought I am truly thankful for myself and who I am.

Nothing influencing me. No outside voices. Just my own inner voice talking to me. And for the first genuine time that inner voice wasn’t telling me how bad and wrong I am. 

I wasn’t telling myself I’m wrong and everything that’s happened is my fault. For the first time I felt that I am as good as person as I can be. There is room for growth, like anyone else, but I am a good person. I am a worthy person. I am full of love and deserve that love in return. 

Day 5- I am thankful today for myself😂 sounds ridiculous but I’m a pretty great person. I am who I am no matter the circumstances and that’s a quality that can be hard to find. I can be blunt, loud, and seem harsh to most. I am opinionated and stubborn. But I am also giving, loving and forgiving. Even if you’ve cut me to the bone and made me feel worthless. I will give everything I have to make sure someone else has just a touch of what they need to survive. I am hilarious and even in my saddest and darkest moments I’ll do anything to make another person smile. I will turn myself inside out to make sure someone else doesn’t have to. I will give of myself to the point of exhaustion. All of these things are genuine to who I am. There is absolutely zero falseness about me! So today, for the good and the bad I am thankful for myself. For who I am at the core of my being. It’s a hard road to walk most of the time and getting to a point of openly saying nice things about myself is terribly hard, but I am thankful that I can be here today.

So my tears today are more tears of joy and self reflection. I’ll take those tears any day of the week! 

Thankful

There is nothing like the month of November over the last few years to make me stop and find positivity. It can feel so stupid and silly, but for someone like me that has to battle daily with depression, it can be a saving grace. 

On Facebook it shows us our memories over the years. During this month it makes me chuckle and also hold back tears to see my memories. Everyday there’s a thankfulness for Remy. The way he loved me and made me feel special. 

I am still thankful for that man. I am still thankful for those years of joy and happiness. I can’t, despite my best efforts, find a way to hate that man. I can’t find a way to have anything but thankfulness for his existence. 

I don’t think of him too often anymore. Mostly when Facebook shows me those memories or I tell a story that he is inevitably a part of. I can’t help the fact that he was the biggest part of my life for five plus years. 

I am thankful for the people that Remy brought into my life! There are so many that I cherish and I’m hopeful will remain with me for all my days. 

It isn’t easy when there is a breakup but I hope that since it hasn’t been ugly we can remain as we were. These are beautiful people who give nothing but love and support. 

I am thankful for home, both the place where my heart lies and the place I am now. Being here gives me an appreciation for home. It gives me an appreciation for those who love me and continue to love me from so far away. 

I feel like I am missing out on so much stuff back there. There isn’t anything for them to be missing with me. I go to work and I go home. I’ve become a whore who’s just looking for a moment of love from someone. That’s what has changed. That’s what people back home are missing out on. My venture into a world I’ve never been before. Being easy if that means for a moment I can feel loved. 

As I say that I have ended that portion of my life. Because it feels numbing to me. I know what it is and I know what it does to me and yet I didn’t care. It’s so foreign to me and yet to have someone caress my face and kiss me softly just made me accept what I knew to be true. None of it means anything. Everyone is just looking to get off in one way or another. It wouldn’t last more than a night, but in those moments it didn’t matter. 

I am resolved to be alone for the longest of hauls. Until a man stumbles into my world in a good and legitimate way. Not romantic movie way necessarily, but in a wholesome and natural way. 

Probably won’t ever happen in my life and I need to stop searching so hard for it. I remain thankful that I have had a great love in my life. 

I am just thankful and I’m going to stop writing now before my natural downward spiral begins to happen. 

Love

I have so much love in my heart! So much that sometimes I think my heart will burst out of my chest.

I have been unlucky in some of the people who have come into my life. But equal, if not greater than, I have had some amazing people come into my life!

I don’t care if they will ever read this or see the words I write about them, but people should know their names. In no order of importance I will begin to write about them. 

Sam was a girl that I met in the seventh grade. I was so incredibly shy, but the day she walked into class and was looking for somewhere to sit, I forgot myself and invited her to sit next to me. This would start a friendship that would continue for twenty six years now. 

I was forced to move away which is the life every military brat understands. That day I had to say goodbye because we were getting in the car and heading out on our next big adventure broke my heart into pieces. I put on a brave face and said my goodbyes. But on my two mile walk home I cried the whole way. Sure that I’d forever lost this gift of friendship.

Somehow over the years we always found a way back to each other! I am so grateful for this gift. She is such a rare gem of a person. She is strong and independent. She has been both a mother and a father to her son who is an incredible human being!! This isn’t an easy thing to do! But she has done it with grace. 

She is funny and goofy. She is gorgeous and self deprecating. She is wildly smart and has managed to go after her dreams!! She’s made something of herself and she’s continued to push herself. I will forever be in awe of her and thankful to be her friend. Even on the fringes.

Pete and Heidi are this amazing combo of a couple! It’s not that they don’t stand tall and strong on their own, because they do. 

Pete came into my life at a time when I was ready to turn and run from everything I’d worked so hard to achieve. I couldn’t breathe. I felt smothered and was sure there wasn’t a light to be found. Then there he was, my own personal Batman, my hero! 

He brought in the sun. He brought in fresh air. He brought in hope that everything I’d worked so hard on and for was for purpose. He got me. He gets me. He knows how to handle me and to talk to me in a way that yields the best results. This isn’t easy to do. 

He is a salt of the Earth kind of a man. He doesn’t mince words and I value that so much. He has a great sense of humor, even if dry and misunderstood by most. He has the biggest heart and loves so much. When you are part of his world, part of his family, you are gifted. I get to know that honor and I am humbled. 

He was the first person I reached out to when my world began falling apart. With tear stained cheeks I messaged him, looking for that brutal honesty I’d come to know and appreciate. He responded with love and a desire to see me whole again. My personal Batman coming to my rescue yet again. He offered me his home and his undying love. I am forever grateful for this man!!!!

Heidi I had met once when she visited the store with Frankie. It was a nice interaction, but it wasn’t much more than “hi. Nice to meet you.” 

To be honest I was a bit intimidated. Not an easy thing to do really. But she was the woman who had gained the love of Pete, which meant to me that she must be a goddess, lol. I know that seems extreme. But have you ever known someone who was so awesome, that you thought to yourself- for them to love and be devoted to this person they have to be the most amazing human being?! 

We spoke again once when I was pregnant. Pete was one of my two people that I got to bring into our little secret. He, of course, told Heidi and she just had to call to tell me how excited she was. I am positive that Pete had shared with her my struggles. Their joy for me was so amazing to feel. 

Their sorrow for my loss, when I had to tell Pete I couldn’t share an ultrasound picture with them because we’d lost the baby, was overwhelming. To know that their hearts ached for me was almost too much to bear. I felt guilty for bringing them into my secret. Because their joy, like mine, ended in pain. 

Then when my world came crumbling down, Heidi was there with an offer. A chance to take a promotion. Move to another town, in another state. Take a chance at starting over and see where it takes me. Not everything I expected, from our two weeks almost of phone calls when she was recruiting me, has come to be what I thought it would be. 

I got the honor of living with them. I got the honor of becoming part of their family! I got the honor of gaining another soul sister!! I have a forever family and I am forever in her debt for taking a chance on me! All she had to go on was a quick hello and stories she may have heard from Pete. All of this means I gained a new best friend! 

Bradi! What can I say about Bradi?! There isn’t enough I can say. She was someone I saw at work. Out on the fringes. I’m much to shy to strike up conversations with people I don’t know. But she was friends with and loved by those I loved. 

It was when she became the personnel manager that we really got to know one another. I fell in love with her sarcastic nature right away!!

She is such a genuine soul. She loves with all of her heart and it gushes forth. She doesn’t have the first clue that she is pure love! She doesn’t realize that she is incredibly strong! She doesn’t realize that everyone who is in her universe is better for it! 

She is a wonderful and caring mother. She does all of the right things to take care of her boy. He is a gift and she knows it. She doesn’t take that for granted. She works hard to be the kind of person her son can be proud of and she achieves that daily. Even though she doesn’t think so. 

Elizabeth “Bitty” my sister. My one and only sister of flesh and blood. I can’t say that we grew up the best of friends, but we never hated each other. I was always so jealous of her to be honest. 

She came in and took my specialness away. There was another girl in my family. Someone to compare me to. Which meant my shine deminshed. That’s wasn’t her fault and I’d hope that my feelings of inadequacy didn’t weigh on her. 

I was always a bigger girl in the sense that I was tall and broad. Strong like bull and always ready for a fight. I wasn’t pretty the way she is pretty. I wasn’t delicate and feminine. 

But let me tell you this girl has a fierceness! She is one of the strongest people I know! When she loves you she protects you with everything she has. She tolerates more than she should for the love of family. 

She’s a firecracker and I can’t even begin to tell you how fortunate my family, myself and the world is for having her in it! She’s smart and can be hilarious. She’s down to earth and never ever treats people like they are less than she is. 

She’s an incredible mama and makes me hope that one day I can be like her. She has given the world four incredible children. More special to me is that she has given me four incredible children!!! She has allowed me a place in their lives that comes as close to children of my own as I can hope for. 

I get to be their Maunt Mary and in some small and special way, kind of like their second mama. Each one of them and I have a special and unique bond. I ache for them daily. To feel their hugs and kisses. To hear their voices scream my name with excitement when they see me! The joy this gives me is because she has allowed me to be there. 

My sister was the second person I let in on our little secret. It was with excitement that she bought me the first onesie that my baby would wear. The first gift I would receive for my own baby. I cherished that gift and recently I was able to give it to my best friend! It carries with it so much happiness and fulfillment of a dream. 

It was in my sister’s lap that I cried when I lost my baby. Not necessarily literally, because it was still a secret. My baby was a secret from the world. But she knew, my beautiful sister knew and she allowed me to wail in pain at the loss. 

Kayla is the sweetness of this life. She is pure love and joy. She is human like anyone else, but she does a commendable job of being a truly good person. 

She looks out for everyone else’s hearts more than her own. She is insightful and yet so humble. She took me into her embrace and I’m beyond grateful for it. It’s such a warm embrace and gives me strength. 

She will never think of burdening you, but she will take on all of your woes and make them her own. If you have a cross to bear and it seems too heavy, Kayla will pick it up with you! She is a true gift to this world and all people who are able to be in her atmosphere. 

Jay is this warm, flawed soul. He isn’t a product of a fun and happy childhood. We share this in common, although mine was not nearly to the same degree. 

We have formed a bond that is strong. It is a mutual love and respect. It is an understanding that pure and platonic love is possible. 

He is always reaching out and trying so hard to make me feel better about myself. Always full of encouragement and sometimes a much deserved kick in the ass. 

He is a true soul and he never stands by and accepts things that are wrong. He has been an anchor for me. A piece of home. I love him for it. His friendship is a gift that I happily accept. 

Eric is so much a part of my heart. He came into my world, or me into his, at just the right time. He was a piece of friendship that I was missing. He was someone I could turn to with my troubles. At the time unbiased and give me honest advice. 

He has become family to me and I know I’ll love him for all my life. Sometimes his advice and his words sting. I won’t lie,  but they are truths I need to hear. He puts a mirror in front of me and I have to take the reflection. I was able to meet his mom on my trip home this summer and I almost hugged her so tight, lol. Because she brought this beautiful, amazing and wonderfully flawed man into the world. 

My girl, my light, my soul sister SharaLin is the truest person I know. She is a care giver in the truest sense of the word. She gives those around her an undying and true love. She is never even slightly fake. This is a rare and true gift! 

She has given me so much hope in myself, in this world, in what is possible. She takes more care in others than she does herself. She tells me I’m crazy. She tells me I’m silly. And I can’t help but laugh. 

She is such a genuine soul and can’t see why she would be so loved. It’s part of her beauty. To not see herself as the angel that she is. She puts others before herself and when you try to return the love she withdraws. Uneasy about accepting that love. 

If you ever have the chance to know and love SharaLin you will be forever altered by it. You, like me, will be always grateful that such a sweet and wonderful, honest and genuine person loves you. That if you have nothing else in this world you have her. And that is enough. 

Tammy. Sweet Tammy. I can’t even begin to think of how strong this woman is! People tell me I’m strong and yet I pale in comparison to this beautiful woman! 

Tammy has had so many obstacles in her life. So many heavy crosses to bear. So much heart break. Yet she is full of nothing but love and goodness. How is that even possible?! She is an amazing person! 

I look up to her and wonder if I can ever come close to the amazingness that she is. When my heart was shattered into pieces and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. There was Tammy, helping me remember to inhale and exhale. She was there to pet my head so to speak. To allow me calm and peace so that I might close my eyes and find some peace. She and her wonderful wife, Kim, made me food to eat a number of times. Encouraging me to nourish myself so I could be strong again. 

She tells me I’m likable. She tells me that I’m lovable. She tells me I’m beautiful and special. She messages me almost every day. Just a quick note to tell me she loves me and is thinking of me. She gives me so much love to hold on to. She is my touchstone and I can’t imagine my life without her. 

In a world and a time in my life when I feel sad. I feel alone. I feel like I can’t find a friend where I am. I can’t seem to find peace in my heart and in my head. I can find love. Overwhelming love! Love flowing through me. Flowing to me and from me. 

Maybe I will find love here in Minnesota. Not the romantic kind, because that’s not in the cards and it’s not important. But the love and friendship of those around me. I’m trying hard to be open to it, but it’s tough. It’s tough for me to find the balance. Not come on too strong, but not be a shadow of myself. With the love and support of these people I write about, I am sure I’ll be okay. I’m sure I will find a place of peace here. I look forward to going home and again be in the embrace of those who love me purely. Those I love with a pureness all my own. 

When I come to love you, I’ll love you forever. No matter what. No matter what you do to me. No matter what you say to me. No amount of abuse or negativity will change that. It gives you an opening to violate my love, but never deminsh it. I love you now! I love you for always❤️❤️ My cup runneth over! Always and forever!