It has been a long time since I sat or more accurately laid down to write, lol. I tend to do it in bed before I go to sleep. I’m not focused enough like I should be or I would write multiple times a week. There’s so much I want to write about and talk about, but I get caught up in my simple need to just veg out.
Four days ago I was off of work. Two days in a row which is rare for me to find, but switching days with a co worker got me this perk. Sometimes it’s good to help someone out… but here’s the thing we have been getting snow. Lots and lots of it and that’s not common for where I live. This of course makes people crazy and they get paranoid when on the road.
So Monday of last week we had our first snowfall. It wasn’t a terrible amount but people shut themselves inside, but I went to work. Tuesday there was still snow on the ground but not really falling anymore. So I picked up a few of my associates who weren’t able to make it on their own to work. I drove them home at the end of the day. Then I was off Wednesday but Xander and I woke up in the morning to give the rides that were needed and went home to have our day together. He went out in the snow for the first real time in his sweet, young life. It was so much fun to watch him play, but he only got fifteen minutes because mama didn’t want him to freeze.
Here comes Thursday and we ran some errands and got out of the house. Xander loves to adventure so it was very good for him. I haven’t been feeling well for a while. Nothing major to worry about but just a little off.
Thursday night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I felt something… Do I have a giant hemorrhoid and didn’t realize it?? Feel around a bit and nope, that’s something in my vagina 😳
I immediately head to the living room and tell my sister I have the strangest request she’s ever heard. Can you look at my vagina, there’s something coming out of me and I’m a little freaked out! She tells me that aside from watching me deliver Xander she has no point of reference 🤣
I go back to the bathroom and use my phone as a mirror so I can see what’s happening. Holy fucking shit! What the hell is that?? I go back out and say there’s definitely something there but I can tell what it is!!! Suggestion is made that I just make an appointment with the gyno.
I go back to the bathroom, this time to take pictures that I can study🤣 I take a few pictures🥴 and I study them but for the life of me I don’t have the first clue and I’m starting to freak out a bit.
I step outside so I can call the nurses line. I get on with a nurse and explain the situation and I have a 16 month old baby. She says I need to get to the walk-in before it closes, this is something they are going to need to see to determine what’s going on. You sure you don’t want me to text you the pics? 🤣
My sister graciously keeps Xander while I quickly run and get in my car. I try a few times to get ahold of my best friend because I don’t want to be alone. She comes to meet me at the clinic.
I get checked in and the nurse is awesome. He’s having a great time chatting with us and rightly thinks we are hilarious. Then the doctor comes in and she doesn’t have the same humor. That’s okay, most people don’t. She says it sounds like I have a prolapsed uterus, which is apparently common after childbirth. If you don’t know what that means it basically means my uterus has fallen and is coming out of me.
She asked if there’s a chance of pregnancy because I’m not taking birth control, but I tell her celibacy works better 🤣🤣 We talk about my thyroid and why I haven’t taken my meds in months, but she doesn’t really listen to me. What is with doctors and not listening? It’s my freaking thyroid, I know what’s what since I’ve been dealing with it for the last five years!
We talk about the fact that I was taking metformin for PCOS until I was in my 12th week of pregnancy. The doctors in Minnesota weren’t sure it was really needed to begin with but for the pregnancy I had to come off of it after week 12. My primary doctor never renewed the prescription and I just let it go… maybe I should have fought to get it back again.
The doctor did her explain after giving a urine sample. These poor people had to stay so late on account of me. But urine was given and three vials of blood taken. The doctor said she was going to refer me for an ultrasound because they needed to get a more accurate picture of what was going on up there. Sometimes the prolapsed uterus could be handled without surgery, but not always.
I went home and tried not to cry as I crawled into bed. Why the fuck is my uterus being a bitch and trying to escape! I’m not to do physical labor. I’m not to push, pull or lift. If I can just rest and stay off my feet that would be best.
The next morning at about 7:30 the clinic woke me up to say I needed to get down and have the ultrasound done. So again my sister watched Xander while I went to the hospital.
I didn’t have to wait long for them to bring me in. Did an outer ultrasound to see my uterus, ovaries and kidneys. Not sure why the kidneys and wondering about kidney stones… Then they did the inner ultrasound. She asked if I was okay with it so I said, yes but say sweet words to me during because it’s the most action I’ve gotten in a long time 🤣🤣
She did her scan and then took them to bed read while I waited in the lobby for the doctor to call with the results…
Here are my results and my new found reason for worry, because I’m a worrier already by nature. When going through my fertility treatments and any exams people have always been surprised at the pcos diagnosis because my uterus and ovaries have always been clean. No signs of cysts or any scaring or anything happening.
There are cysts on both ovaries. Multiple cysts and they aren’t small. Okay, that happens. The uterus is lapsed and will require going to the gyno surgeon for repair. Okay. Only time I’ve spent in the hospital was having Xander.
But the thing that made me cry on my drive back to Xander was the fact that they found a mass at the base of my uterus. A solid mass and they think it may be a cyst but it’s not filled with liquid. That made me cry with worry.
What if this is something terrible and I have to worry about whether or not I’ll be around to raise my son. To watch him grow up and love the hell out of him.
I got home and gathered Xander’s things so we could head out and I could get to work. My sister said I was crazy, when you get news like that you don’t go to work. But there was another snow storm coming and work was crazy and needed me to be there.
So I went to work and told my store manager what was happening and why I was a bit late. I used my usual humor with it all and they just couldn’t believe how I was making jokes. But honestly what else was I going to do? If for no other reason than I have this beautiful baby I need to make sure I’m not drifting to the dark and hopeless.
I come from a very long line of warriors. Strength is a natural thing for me and while I have to work against the dark, strength is always there. But I have to make sure I’m not being more physical than necessary. I have Xander to care for a play with, but other things don’t need to take a physical place in my life.
The snow storm began to hit Friday night, but I was off the weekend. Sunday night my niece needed me to pick her up from her sleepover. Xander was just put to bed, so I go out to the car and brush it all off. Put the car in reverse and away I go down the driveway. Turn to pull off aaaaaaannnnnnndddddddd I’m stuck! I can’t move forward. My other niece comes out and we spend forty minutes trying to get the car out and at least in front of the driveway so I’m not blocking the road. She’s pushing the gas and I’m pushing the car and then vice versa… nothing. My niece is brought home from the sleepover. Now she’s pushing the gas and the two of us are pushing the car. Finally!!! We get the car out of the road, but now I can feel my uterus trying to fall completely out.
For Monday and Tuesday and the constant snow fall, little by little, my car is stuck and I can’t get it out. I can’t go to work and I worry that it’s going to be viewed that I’m taking advantage of the weather. That I’m playing hookey. I’d like to be at work. I’d like to be keeping busy and not thinking about these things and having a small freak out.
Doctors office called to set up the appointment for my exam and deciding the next steps. I’m not going to be seen until the 5th of next month, so for three weeks I’m going to have to live this way. Constantly on the edge of full falling out. And with no real talks or answers about the cysts or the mass or what it all means for my future and the future of my little miracle.
I dreamt after Xander was born that I was pregnant again and he’d get siblings. This makes me question that dream. I don’t see children who don’t come to us, but I saw them, just as I saw Xander before I got pregnant with him. Now I think Xander may truly be my one and only. For him I am truly grateful because he’s the most amazing and sometimes infuriating little person around. If I only get to have one at least I struck gold❤️❤️❤️