Sometimes…

Sometimes, I feel like I’m talking to myself. Most of my life actually. I’ve never felt a part of anything or important to anyone. Kind of like I was/am a tag on. Someone that you get stuck with. You have no other choice. I mostly know it’s not true, but it’s a feeling with me every second non the less. I find myself trying to talk to people and finish a thought or conversation, but then someone better comes along. Then I’m sitting there alone wondering why I even attempted. So I write on this blog and I hope that my words are being read. I hope that someone is hearing me. I hope that someone understands…

Sometimes, I feel like the sadness will never go away. It is something I’ve always known, sadness. I can honestly not remember a time when I wasn’t sad. I can’t remember a time when wasn’t wondering why God would do this to me?! Why would he create me and force me to be of a world where I never belong. So much of my life I wish I was never born. I truly don’t think my life needs to be existent. There is no point to me…

Sometimes, I feel like I let my life pass me by. There hasn’t been anything in my life that I’ve done that couldn’t be done by anyone else. I haven’t accomplished anything! I didn’t finish high school and continue to carry that shame. I never went to college or pursued any of my dreams. I’ve been married twice, so I couldn’t even succeed there! I work at freaking walmart and Wendy’s! No great strides are being made by me…

Sometimes, I worry Remy will grow tired of me. Here’s the thing… Remy and I are incredibly simpatico! It happened instantly that we became friends, a feat shared by only two other people, but there is an age gap. He didn’t have time to experience a lot of life before I came along and tied him down. What if he realizes he can do so much better than me?!

Sometimes, I worry that I’m too angry and my heart is filling with hate. Just today I had a moment where I felt I truly hated another person. Don’t get me wrong, I tend to be firery and can be hot headed, but I never thought I hated someone. Angry with, annoyed by… Sure. I don’t know. I feel like hate and discord are just creeping into my soul and soon it’ll be all I know.

Sometimes, I feel like I give too much of myself and it drains me. I have this tendency to want to do for others. It doesn’t matter if I get anything in return. I like to help others. I like to teach and help them feel self sufficient. I want to do as much as I can for another person so their burden can be less. But here’s the thing… I don’t tend to see that come back my way. So there I go always putting more onto my plate so others can have less. Then when I divert even the slightest bit and someone who is use to me being nothing but selfless gets upset. They tear into me. Sometimes to my face, but mostly behind my back to ensure that they won’t have to deal with the consequences. But here is the thing, we always find out! We always end up knowing. And the pain that it causes me is real. People say don’t take it so personally, but here’s the thing, it is personal. You are cutting into me because you want to feel good about yourself.

I am on very little sleep and I’m going to get less tonight. I’m not sure that any of this is even making sense. But I’m going to publish it anyway. Come what may…

No Time Left For You

Things have changed over the last few weeks! I went and got the second job I started talking about. This means I work seven days a week. I’m not stupid and I know it’s going to be tough. It already has been, I’m tired.

I’m trying to not let things get to me when I start feeling down. And that is practically every second of the day.

Something has to give and I’m afraid it will be my writing. It’s definitely the least important on the grand scheme of things… There will be time for it again once I’ve cleared our way.

Of course I can’t possibly forget about vacation time. Make every second I can count towards exercising my creativity. I just don’t know, I’m torn…

All day at work I was weepy. Several times I had to stop and take deep breaths before the tears began to fall. I have to hold it in. I’m a responsible adult and there’s no crying at work!!

I’m getting better at holding it in. I’m getting better at not feeling crippled every time I see a baby or a growing family. I’m getting better at putting a smile on my face and playing with the babies. Doesn’t mean the pain is anywhere close to gone or subsiding. Especially now…

We are now entering the last few weeks of what would have been our first pregnancy. That by itself is painful. But when you account for all of the people around us who were pregnant around the same time, that means these babies are arriving.

These babies that were allowed to be born. That, for whatever reason, God allowed to be brought into their families. People that, while I’m glad they don’t have to deal with the pain I am having, I’m terribly jealous of! I want my baby!!!! I want my baby in my arms and I want to kiss them and hold them! I want to sing them the songs that their Meemaw would, if she lived.

I want to know the joys of sleepless nights. Not because I am working two jobs or too much, but because my sweet baby doesn’t have any concept of night and day. I want to know the tears of joy when Remy and I see our baby for the first time. I want the surreal feelings that come with finally having everything we’ve hoped for.

Instead my heart aches daily… Instead I try to keep my crying to myself because Remy always worries so much about me. I try to pretend to be happy my birthday is coming, when I was really more looking forward to a baby shower. Remy wants to celebrate my birthday, but the reality is I’m not sure how well that’s going to go.

Today as I was stocking the shelves this poem just came flowing out of me. It’s not very good, in my opinion, but it’s heart felt and it’s for Remy…

There is this pain in my heart
And grows day by day
This pain in my heart started the day
You slipped away
I don’t know how I’ll manage
This sadness of mine
But my love for you will forever be entwined
Your papa and I will hold you ever so dear
Forever sad to not have you near
Our sweet baby that we never got to hear
Our sweet baby we never did see
I look forward to the day when we can finally be
A reunited family
Our family of three…

Crosses

How much I wish I could let go of this sadness! Why does it have to be carried with me every moment of my days. We all have our crosses to bear and some of us do it well. While people like myself do it very poorly!

Perhaps if I carried it better, this infertility, I would have been granted my miracle. Maybe if I could just trust that there was in fact goodness coming my way… But my life has taught me not to trust and hope. My life has taught me to be ever at the ready for a fight.

I keep my guard up at all times because it seems every time I let it down, even just a little, I’m smacked across the face. I mean Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, but at this point both of them are raw.

I hate to cry! It makes me feel soft and weak and that’s the last thing I want to be associated with me. Of course that means when I don’t let myself cry the pain just burrows deeper.

I can’t seem to shake this depression. I have spurts of happiness or feeling like I’m going to be okay. Then I crash unexpectedly hard to the ground and I’m done.

The worst thing is that I know there are people in my life who care. They care enough to ask how I am and they accept whatever I tell them. I’m okay. I’m hanging in there. I’ll be alright. I just don’t feel like I am anyone who I can talk to that won’t accept the vague answers. I don’t have anyone who will reach out to me outside of the confines of work.

The funniest part of that is it is my own fault. I don’t try to make myself a part of the group. If I’m not talked to about something or invited I shrug it off and go home. All the while I try to laugh and be the comic relief… It’s understandable though. They all have this thing in common, they all have their kids and they speak the same language.

Im starting to work at a second job in a few days and that will be where all of my time goes from now on. Work these two jobs, get rid of this debt, get my baby ready for his next step and achieving his dream!!!! Then I’ll worry about mine…

There truly has been a pattern to my life! Kind of a creature of habit I suppose. No ones fault but my own…